it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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