Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
