Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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