Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
