well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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