lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
