Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
