I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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