He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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