I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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