is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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