so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
