Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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