I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
