My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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