Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
