I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
