I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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