Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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