I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I am available for nakedness
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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