rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
