Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
