My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
