I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
