the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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