I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
