haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
