My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
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I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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