Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
sarcasm needs its own font
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
