Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
