And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
