even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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