If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
