I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
