I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
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Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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