Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
