I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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