I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
