Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
