My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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