for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
