You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
