You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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