Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
