There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
