I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
