someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Randomize
