why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
