I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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