Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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