oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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