Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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