Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
as a side note pls kill me
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