Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
