thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i think my cat just said my name.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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