Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
