Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
