im having a threesome with these popsicles
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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