i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
