i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
