I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
